Transformation

At the risk of sounding like a blogger-gone-bad, I've decided to start keeping track of some thoughts I've been having lately. I've got some cool stuff pouring into my life right now and I want to remember the things I learn. What place won't delete my thoughts for a while? The internet! What's been pouring into me lately?

1. Awesome new neighbors, Dave & Katie- a great source of conversation and 2 new lives we've never seen or heard of before. We've been doing it old school lately; we sit around a bonfire or the outside dinner table, swapping stories about growing up, our dreams, our disappointments... learning from each other (I like to think), and encouraging each other in our newfound friendships (that I personally think will blossom with time). Along with them, we've been blessed with the temporary constant presence of incredible friends, Adam & Ashley, who always challenge our lives and hearts. It has been great to have community in our lives once again.

2. Small group study of The Life You've Always Wanted by John Ortberg. I read the book a while ago- very touch and go- but now have the opportunity to read it again AND do a study along with it with a small group of young married couples from my church. I've only read 2 chapters but I'm enthralled so far. I love books that make you think, and books that make you have, "Oh, duh!" moments. Go Johnny O!

3. Just Jesus in general. I think we go through deserts and valleys and mountains in our lives, sometimes learning more than other times. More often than not, I visit that awful place of complacency. Who can pour into me more than Jesus himself? I have so much to learn.

So, in short, don't fret- I won't be typing an outline of this book. I just want to write what has triggered things in my heart that need to be transformed. Ideals that need to be changed. Read it if you want, ignore it if you want. Do what you do but remember to try to love God, and love people. That's what I'm going for, and it'd be good to have teammates run with me in the race.

My thoughts

To be transformed means to be changed. Spiritual Transformation, then, to me, means to become more like Christ and mature my spirit to look more like His. His spirit had what the Word calls Fruits of the Spirit. These fruits can be displayed through attitude, love, patience, contentment, etc. The list goes on. :)

Unfortunately for the human race, especially Christians, there's this thing called Pseudo-Transformation. Obviously, this is false, showy transformation without genuine sincerity. Many people, me included, "tread water" to get to Heaven without even knowing they're doing it most of the time. It's a legalistic discipline that people do to set themselves apart from others in order to appear Holy and good. In truth, us who pseudo-transform haven't really been transformed by God. We're just fakes and phonies. In my life, I've done my fair share of being a fake. I've done "spiritual duties" in hopes that others will notice and think of me highly. I've been the worst kind of prideful person, and I've been a hypocrite. I've been so preoccupied with myself that I've forgotten that the world really isn't about me at all. (By the way, I think it's about Jesus...) I've sometimes done nothing to clean up the mess inside my head. In a nutshell, I can be pretty darn selfish.

Now that I've poured my ugly heart out on the table, I can say with confidence that I'm not above Jesus' reproach. I'm not too low to be transformed! Paul, who worked for the first half of his life against Christians, wasn't more than Jesus could handle. David, who was after God's own heart, made his share of nasty mistakes. God will use who He wants and He knows our hearts in their truest forms. That is amazing to me.

Once we've decided that we truly want to be transformed by the God of Everything, it's time to start training! It might start as obligation, but eventually I believe it will turn into desire. My friend Kimo has a great analogy for this. You like to run? Most people don't, especially when they first start out. It's treacherous and miserable the first couple weeks of running. Eventually though, if you persevere, it will become an enjoyable activity. Some people even come to crave it. That's what I think spending time in the Word, talking with the Lord, and having community with others is like. It's probably really difficult at first, but isn't anything worth having hard to attain? Relationships take Work! My relationship with my husband takes work. My relationship with my parents, family, and friends take work. In relationships, you need discipline and training. I usually have to discipline my tongue to not fly off the handle when I long to speak harshly to Pete. I usually fail. Which is why I need to train harder. Sometimes "trying" isn't enough... but purposefully training will get you there.

Soren Kierkgaard said something pretty sweet once. "Now, with God's help, I shall become myself." Dude, I thought I already was myself. But I am so totally not myself in its purest form, as God intended. As John O. says, "I am disappointed with myself...I have a nagging sense that all is not as it should be." I feel that a lot in my life. I feel it in:

1) My marriage to Pete. I'm not the wife I intend to be, not even close. I won't list more of my sins, but I wish I were more gentle, more compassionate, more loving, less critical, less cynical, and just in general a better Proverbs 31 woman.

2) What I choose in my career path. I am a 24 year old server at a pizza place- I serve people food that will make them unhealthy, and I deal with bad attitudes (usually my own) because this job doesn't really satisfy anyone. I long for a more meaningful pursuit, one that will satisfy me and give my life meaning. But, I'm lazy and make good money at this current place of work, so I stay. Thank goodness for my sanity, the tides are changing and I'm being encouraged by so many people around me to branch out and find something new to work toward.

3) My family. It's broken, pretty much just like every other American family these days. It's pretty normal to be broken in some sense in this day and age, but I pray that nothing is beyond repair. To become complacent in this brokenness is the worst place to be, and it's the place I've lived in for quite some time. Good relationships are sometimes a constant battle from within.

So you see, I'm not the wife, daughter, sister, or co-worker I want to be. It's my hope that some of these walls can be torn down and replaced with open sincerity and purity- to be transformed into the likeness of Christ.

Sometimes- or I guess, most of the time- I forget that I can press on toward a better life and state of mind and state of relationships. That's why my primary goal is Real Change in the essential nature of myself. Good thing God is in the business of transforming people, yeah? :) I want to "express His character and goodness in my whole being". Transformation from the inside out.