One thing I love in life is family. In my melancholy mood this morning, I watched my favorite part of the movie The Family Stone- the part at the very end when all the kids are in their parents' home, waiting to open presents on Christmas morning. The father ascends the stairs and says, "Merry Christmas granddaughter." She says, "Merry Christmas grandfather." Then, the brothers get in a fight over a girl, casseroles get spilled, the kids want to open presents, everyone figures out who loves who, the Christmas music plays. The next scene shows the following Christmas, with everyone all together again (except for their mother, who passed away from cancer), and they're all standing around the tree with their arms around their loved ones.
What I love about this picture is family loving each other- no divorces, no separations- and everything is just so pure and whole. And right. And what I love about this is that someday, I'll be a mom and Pete will be a dad and we will create this for our family. What I don't love about this is that I'll never experience it from any other role except as Mother. I'll never be the grandchild impatiently waiting for presents to be opened. I'll never be the child who watched Meet Me In St. Louis on Christmas Eve with my brothers and sisters as my parents slept together upstairs. While I'm thrilled to create this loving environment void of divorce, I wish it could have lasted in my life beyond 13 years.
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I never remember how Fall makes me feel until Fall is back, and I'm once again depressed and joyful at the same time. Today was such an up and down roller coaster of emotions that I just didn't know what to do with myself. I thought I was going crazy. Thoughts like the ones above kept spilling over the edge and I'd see an old person and almost cry. Dark purple leaves made me tear up today.
And then there was a $2 tip, an impatient work manager, sports traffic, and then...some chocolate and a best friend who talked me down as I sat in that traffic about to T-bone the car blocking my way home.
I love best friends.
Now, as I'm sitting here with my other best friend- my husband- and watching mulled apple cider candles flicker in the dark, listening to the rain rolling in, I realize nothing could be better. The cloudy days of fall sometimes take their toll on me, but at the same time, I absolutely love this time. Not just the trees that are on fire with color but the feeling I get when I bundle up in just-warm-enough clothes and sip Starbucks caramel apple spice, and sit at my laptop jotting down all my mushy thoughts about Fall and Life and Love and Families.
This is about where it ends today. There's really no closure in my mind, so I'm afraid there will be no closure on my blog either.
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