Most days for me don’t begin with not feeling well. As I’ve been learning lately though, I can graciously accept an ounce of bad once in a while, because the Lord grants me more good than I deserve. My wise husband taught me that a few days ago.
Sometimes I think we don’t know the power we’re being held under until we come out from under it. That’s how I feel today, and I’m happy to say that I feel that way because I’ve just come out from under something. Something I’ve been fighting for years and years, and never expected a climax or conclusion to. Today I got my personal conclusion, and it’s all I need. A few days ago, I wrote a "certain someone" a letter that went like this:
Dear Certain Someone,
I'm sure this letter has caught you off guard. After all these years, it should. I've been reading through journals I wrote back in high school. For hardly having known you at all for myself, you sure were mentioned a lot in my journal. I just wanted to say that I am deeply sorry about how our relationship was when I was in high school. I'll never stop to wonder whose fault it was, or who is mostly to blame- all I know is, I wish it could have been different for us during those years- the last years of my childhood. For any hurts I may have caused you without knowing it, I am sorry. I want you to know that I see you as a person, a woman, someone who tries really hard at life, at being a mother, and at so many things. My dad thought you were such a beautiful and special woman, and he is an excellent judge of character. Wherever life finds you now, I hope with all my heart that you are content and happy. I truly do.
Don't feel like you need to reply. I'm not expecting you to.
It was a random thought (to write this Certain Someone a letter) that bounced into my head on Dec. 8 as I was drying my hair…it came from nowhere, and it hit me like a ton of bricks that I needed to do this. The Lord put the words in my head, and I immediately went to the computer and started typing those words. I had no doubt that He truly was speaking these into my mind. It’s hard for me to be open about my feelings for her, and our relationship, and its hurts. I didn’t put them aside for this letter, but I didn’t feel the need to list the ways she hurt me either. I think that would cause retaliation, and I’m quite done with that.
In truth, my heart breaks for her. What must she have learned and gone through to act the way she did for so many years? I would never wish that upon her. What if I get a letter back that just says, “I forgive you. You really were awful.” I would probably cry. I would rather get nothing back at all. I would have Pete read it first.
In my heart, I feel freed. I told dad tonight on the phone that I feel free from years of bondage. Bonded to being treated ridiculously by one of my only woman role models, and the love of my dad’s life (at the time), bonded to feeling not good enough for an adult woman to be nice to, bonded to feeling the competition between us for my dad’s attention, and lastly, bonded to harboring hatred and resentment toward her for the way she and her boys treated me.
All I know now is that I am free. I know that I’ve done my part- I’ve forgiven, I am forgiven by the Lord for the smart-alecky and sassy times I retaliated to her and dad, and I let closure come for my heart. My heart is in fact sensitive to conflicts such as these. Someday, I will be on my deathbed, and I will look back on my life. The major pillars I will see will indeed be relationships. I don’t want this relationship to end on such a bitter note. For her, it can if she chooses it to. But for me, it ended with an effort to make things right again.
Dad said on the phone, “Well you are definitely being the bigger person. This was very big of you to do.” Okay, dad. But for once in my life, I don’t care how this makes me look, and it doesn’t change my opinion of myself. I don’t see myself as better or bigger- I think that she and I are both human, and we’ve both made massive mistakes. I wish he wouldn’t focus on the bigger. I wish he knew what I knew- that this is a requirement for my heart to have peace, and this is just a healing process I’ve been trying to locate for NINE YEARS.
I tried to fix this relationship on my first visit home from college, in 2004. It wasn’t the time to do so, and I wasn’t mature enough to do it the right way anyway. She called the house when dad wasn’t home- the typical conversation for 5 years went like this: “Is your dad home?” “No, sorry, he’s not.” Debbie hangs up. The same thing on my first visit home. This time, though, I had had enough and felt it was the time to lay things out on the table. I called her back and asked straight out, “Why do you hate me?” She said, “I don’t hate you. I just think you’re spoiled and…” I don’t remember the rest. I remember saying, “Okay then, now I know. Goodbye.” And I was livid afterward.
This time was so much different. Instead of being livid after I wrote the letter and got it in the mail, I felt such a tremendous lifting from my shoulders and heart. I have done what I could, and what I felt called to do. I trust the Lord will use it for good somewhere, and if not, He at least has healed my heart. Praise Him for that!
Speaking of praising the Lord, I went into church this morning with little to no interest in getting emotional. I love Second Baptist here in
“Broken but singing... Our hearts keep shining. Let your heart shine, come and let our hearts shine. In a dark world we lift the bread and wine.”
It was just that first line that brought me to my knees emotionally. On a day that I didn’t initially “feel” like singing to the Lord, I knew this song was speaking to me- Broken but singing. It floored me that my Lord knew exactly where I was this morning, and I could feel that.
We also got these little Christmas note cards, on which we wrote three gifts we need to give to the Lord. I knew the first one was My Life’s Direction. I have supposedly given the Lord my life, but have I given it in the way that He can use it wherever and whenever He likes? Do I completely bend to the will of the Father in all situations, all places, all times, with all people? This is something that has been on my heart so much lately, especially since Pete and I are thinking of moving back to
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