November 19, 2008

And I feel you here

And you’re picking up the pieces

Forever faithful

It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation

But you are able

And in your hands the pain and hurt

Look less like scars and more like character…

-Sara Groves

Clarity. Sweet clarity. Besides my constant quest for satisfaction, I also search for clarity…which I think eventually unfolds into satisfaction. Pete has been away in Iowa for four days, which has left me alone to think and be. Being is tough- just being. Being alone with only myself, forced to observe what I do and why I do it and the thoughts I think and why I think them, and I guess also observing emotions and why I feel them. I’m smart enough to know that emotions aren’t always truth, but it’s also smart to discover why we feel the emotions we do.

What could I possibly have spent the last four days thinking about? It always goes back to the same principles- my mom, my satisfaction (or lack of it), and the chameleon of a life I’ve had for 22 years. Divorce was bad, but that’s not what screwed me up. It’s the women in my life that have screwed me up. Debbie and mom. I feel so dramatic writing it like this, but honestly, writing it straightforward with a little sprinkle of depression is the only way I’ll figure anything out. I hate beating around the bush, especially when I’m just ready to get over it.

Talking on the phone with my wonderful husband last night helped me sort some of this stuff out. He listened so well, and responded so amazingly- it brought me some of that clarity I’ve been waiting for. I think it’s all about the Lord’s timing too. I don’t think the Lord would have allowed me to have clarity before now, because I wouldn’t have been able to handle it with grace or maturity. (I think.)

The thing that I’ve never been able to have a grasp on is this- how much everything changes in every situation with my mom (and with Debbie) and even with my dad sometimes. I told Pete last night- I know that life is just life and things change and plans change…but I think it can also become someone’s character. That’s how I feel with my mom. There is always a twist. Always a change. Never a consistency. How do I adapt to a life of this? Besides just expecting things to change constantly, I’ve never settled into a comfortable state of satisfaction because I have learned that it will change. She says one thing one day and the complete opposite the next. Wham. What can I do to prevent that? I have been bought with a price from my mother. Free money sounds great. But when you substitute it for love, and mother-daughter talks, and laughter, and advice…it’s the dirt under my fingernails. Completely undesired and filthy.