January 22, 2009

Intricate thoughts.

Dilemma’s. Am I in someone’s life for a reason? Is God behind the formation of all relationships? Definitely. He intricately forms everything with a purpose. Pete and I were on a walk yesterday discussing what God had in store for us this next summer, talking about Him as though He couldn’t hear us. All of a sudden, I realized that we were talking about the Lord of the Universe behind His back (although in a pleasant way) and quickly glanced up at the Heaven’s and reassured the Lord that we were speaking highly of Him…as if He didn’t know! How silly. Pete made a little puppet motion with his hand and said (imitating God), “You two think you got it all figured out! I already know what’s gonna happen!”

Next summer. I mean this summer. June- we’ve felt that we’re being lead to St. Louis. More specifically, Troy, Illinois. A mere ten minutes from where I swore I’d never live again. In the last few years, I’ve visited my hometown little more than a handful of times, I’ve casually dismissed relationships that took four years of my life to build, and I’ve purposely turned my back on a town that appeared to have nothing left for me. And now, I’m convinced that I have to return. How humbling. And yes, humiliating. It is one hundred times easier to leave a town knowing that you’ll never return than to know in your heart you must go back to that very place. What dread I feel in my heart. What contempt for so many of my memories. What humiliation I feel I’m going to face. What relationships I’m going to encounter. How close to family I will be. I believe that when something such as a plan doesn’t make sense to my own ears, it is probably from the Lord. He asks us for Risk, Sacrifice, Discomfort, and Acceptance that whatever He has planned is going to be Bigger than what we could have made for ourselves.

I went into a dentist’s office the other day with guns blazing, ready to fight the battle to vindicate myself from their bold threats via letter to me. I owed them 50 cents, and I guess they sent numerous letters to my old address at the Polo Club to try to attain this money. It turns out I actually owed 13 dollars that my insurance didn’t cover (who knows why), but I didn’t know this until I was humiliated with the business owner’s kindness to me. I am such a defensive specimen. I remember women coming into Maurices, the same guns blazing, ready to alert the media of the crack in their planet, but when we associates killed them with kindness and a refund, they were struck dumb…but still, their guns blazed and their anger seeped out. Why? They came to our store with the intention of being angry, and when we took that from them, they didn’t know what else to do, so they feigned their anger the rest of the time. I want to take back the freedom of my emotions, and I think that’s why I was so embarrassed at the dentist office the other day…I was one of those women.

I am in love with the dot dot dot. It conveys my feelings at all times during this stage in my life…I am currently a dot dot dot in the universe.

I am ready for my cross-country road trip. Off to Arizona I’m going, hopefully this spring or early summer, with my great friend Callie. It’s our last fling before Pete and I move, and I opted for something meaningful and peaceful and adventurous. I want to write everything down. I partially think I’m inspired with my current Donald Miller book- Through Painted Deserts- but I also think I’ve been craving another trip for some time. I’m a wanderer at heart. I appreciate sunsets and stars and cars and music and desert and mountain and flat plains and blue sky and thunderstorms. I want to hike the 9 miles down the Grand Canyon and the ten miles up, and I want to survive it. Actually, I don’t want to do that…I don’t want to exert the physical energy and risk, but I want to do it for the experience and the memory and the time between Callie and I. I guess I should run this by her first.