Loneliness.
It’s a strange feeling when you’re surrounded by people and still lonely. It’s more strange when you have a husband by your side day in and day out and the loneliness still finds you.
Community is what I crave. I’m beginning to wonder if the Lord is setting aside this time for me to be lonely for a reason. Because of my lack of time with people, I’ve had more time than ever to observe myself and see my weaknesses. I’ve noticed that, the three times in the past two weeks that I have had girl-time or friend-time, I’ve thrived, and much of my happiness has come from that good balance of friend time and married time.
Today at Second Baptist, our pastor reminded us that Godliness can’t come until we’re content. Content? Can I be content right now? All of my friends are busy with their lives, in much different stages than me, and just can’t seem to find the time for a community of their own (or they already have it). That’s the worst part. Needing people when you feel they don’t need you.
Thinking this thought this morning, on the way to Second, I wondered if I had it all wrong. Am I focusing solely on what I need, and not on the needs of others? If I focused more on being a friend to those who have none, wouldn’t I gain a community myself? If I spent more time searching for opportunities to serve or people to help, would that satisfy my thirst? It’s such a vague thought, though. Where do I start? What if I get pushed away? That happens. It happened this morning at Second, with the girl sitting next to me. Sometimes I try to force things to be opportunity when maybe, they’re not. It could be that this time is a time that I need to learn to be by myself. I just wish I knew what God was getting at. I feel Him speaking to me every day about it, but I don’t know the message yet. Pete told me once that usually it’s not the end message that counts, but it’s the journey. Maybe that’s the point.
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